So they finished probing Apple...

In a press release today, Apple announced the completion of the independent investigation into its stock option backdating scandal. Key findings from the investigation include:
  • Former CFO Fred Anderson has stepped down from Apple's board of directors. It is unclear whether this was because of the investigation or due to Eric Schmidt's incessant teasing Anderson about his 'chick car' Lexus SC430.

  • There was misconduct by any current members of the Apple management team except for some officers and managers.

  • The only evidence of grant date irregularities were 1505 isolated stock option grants issued between 1999 and 2006.

  • Steve Jobs knew about the grant dates, but only understood the ramifications of what was going on after he got them mixed up with his kids' birthdays and his sobbing daughter tipped off the SEC.

  • The investigation raised concerns regarding the actions of two former officers in connection with the probe: Jon Rubenstein reportedly took Avie Tevanian on a Disneyland weekend paid by illicit stock option proceeds.
Steve Jobs made the following statement today regarding the results of the probe:
"I apologize to Apple's shareholders and employees for these problems, which happened on my watch. They are completely out of character for Apple, except for Bertrand, who can't help it if his mom's a slut" said Steve Jobs, Apple's CEO. "We will now work to resolve the remaining issues as quickly as possible and to put the proper remedial measures in place, like keeping Bertrand's slut mom away from the boardroom, to ensure that this never happens again."


At 4:54 PM, Anonymous RipRagged said...

Hmmm. A slut. The difference between a party girl and a slut...

A party girl sleeps with everyone. A slut sleeps with everyone but you.


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